Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Subliminal Lies

I've been doing a lot of reading and discussing lately. I'm taking great strides in reviving my life that was once so filled with passion, desire, peace and laughter.
For years now I've been quietly telling myself that I was working towards being all that I could be and that eventually I'd achieve happiness. Afterall, society and the media tell me everyday who I am according to which products I buy, how much money I make and what kind of car I drive. Not to forget that bigger is always better because the more you have the better off you are(and we can see the blatant opposite affects from that with biggy fries and America's obesity problem!)..... and so I moved from one financial bracket to another. I sit in a good place financially right now, but you couldn't tell. I fell asleep after high school and believed alot of subliminal lies. Not only that, but I've also found myself (like all of us have) "keeping up with the Jones'"(i want the big house, the nice car, to look cute on the ski hill, the newest gadgets like iPods) and have had others look down on me for my financial position. It divides. Social classes. But we all say that money doesn't matter. We all say it's the idea that counts. Is it really that we are divided by hobbies and interests or is that we are divided by money, power and social class? Well each of has to make our own decision. But that's just it. Most of us are so stuck in our comfort bubbles that we will not even stop to contemplate our lives for one minute. Some of you have contemplated your situation, but stand frozen in fear rather than getting up and doing something about it. I say get up. I say contemplate. Question everything. Don't be a lemming to society and government! Do you know the truths about antibiotics? flouride? Flu shots? antibacterial soap? the meat you eat? Do you wonder? Ever wonder why things don't make sense?
Today I was walking to the break room to get a Coke. Did you know those can clean your toilet bowls? They can clean shit off your driveway? But it is the addiction I can't kick.... but I saw that my pocket contained exactly the right amount ($0.65) for a Coke. This thrills me since I've been having a bit of a rough time with my finances. I thought, "just enough."
Then I remembered being 16. If I received $2.00 from my mom I was ecstatic to be able to buy a pack of cigarettes. If I got $1 I could get a cup of coffee from Denny's and my night was spent with friends and writing poetry. If I got $3.00 I was on top of the fucking world because I could have "it all" with cigarettes, coffee for the night and spend it laughing with my friends. I had no responsibilities, I was easily entertained and laughing with friends was super important to me.
So why did I think the more I aquired the happier I would become? Materials do not really make me happy. They fill a void of temporary happiness. Not fulfillment.
My happiness is with people, my wonder lies in nature, or the stars or the ocean. But I'm so busy working to maintain my materials that I haven't time for the things I really want to do. We've all said that!
And so it is possible after all to aquire the days and feel of when I was 16. I simply have to learn where enough is enough. I have to learn that my job isn't the end all and that if I downsize my life, I could actually choose many different jobs. I won't be caged or boxed in by society anymore if I aquire less because I'll be able to afford that which is really important. Like switching to a more natural toothpaste will eliminate so many bad dentist visits. If I quit using antibacterial soap my body can build up a defense and I won't have to spend so much time at the dr's office aquiring antibiotics which are also not good for us.... and are also found in the meat you eat. Are you seeing a sick trend here? I recently read that the flu doesn't appear to transfer as much from one person to the next as much as it appears that many people get it all at the same time. Or ever notice how only one person gets sick in a household? Can you wonder enough to see what it's really about? Ignorance is not bliss anymore. Ignorance is folly. A blindfold for mass marketers! Because certainly they've done all the research you ever need to know. And that line about false advertisement is a load of bullshit. The truth is you probably have no idea what you're eating and by choosing that daily without even informing yourself is blatant bad investment. You've just purchased your house on a landslide.
It's your choice. You can spend less money on the cheap meat (or insert any product here) and more at the doctor for all the health hazards it causes, or start working on prevention in your diet, over all health, finances, and security.
Open your eyes and remember how good you felt (and free) at 16 or 12 or whatever age it was.... and know that you could still have that as an adult.
Start figuring out what you're responsible for... less is actually better. At least do yourself a favor and get informed....

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

In the plane

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ATV Time

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Best Friends

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SPI-SAY

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On the way to the water

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Misty Morning

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Medusa!

I love this picture! LOL It looks like she's in front of a window on a cloudy day but actually she's laying on a pillow. Posted by Picasa

Waiting for a massage

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Extravagant Entrance

This was walking in to our hotel Posted by Picasa

A little musical lunch

The mariachis played Oyo Como Va for us! lol Posted by Picasa

Old ships sail no more

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The tree that grows on rocks

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Jungle trees

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Some of the ruins

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A million dollar home

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Out the balcony of our room

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The Plane

Flying terrifies me, however I couldn't resist these clouds! Posted by Picasa

Snorkeling

We snorkeled for an hour or two. It was so kick ass. I saw about 5 barracuda! WOO! Posted by Picasa

Becca got bit

The monkey gnawing on her hand was fiesty! We got to hold these cute little guys for $5! Posted by Picasa

Monkeys Rule

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Becca

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Sittin, waitin, laughin

Heather Posted by Picasa

Tree in the Ruins

There were village ruins right across the street from the hotel. This tree is right on the stones... I thought it was cool. Posted by Picasa

Playin in the sea

A moment in the sea Posted by Picasa

Club tour drunken fest

By the end of the night, everything started to look like this! LOL Posted by Picasa

What club was this?

Dawn took this picture... one of the clubs we were at in Cancun. Posted by Picasa

Group photo

And there's "add Heather" Posted by Picasa

Part of the group

Dawn, Santiago, (can't remember his name) and Peter the touchy kid. Posted by Picasa

Santiago

This guy was my angel! He befriended me and kept many-a-men from me at the clubs, including his touchy 14 year old friend. We met these guys on the tour bus that took us on a club tour. He was from Mexico and he and his cousin Daniella were awesome! Posted by Picasa

Dubbing the Square

This was where we were a lot since it was only a few minutes from our hotel. Posted by Picasa

Heather got all the men...

I bet he was wishing he could be the bib! LOL Posted by Picasa

Fiesty

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Laughing My Ass Off

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Happy as Hell

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Beauties

Dawn looks like she was made to be on that horse. Posted by Picasa

The moan in the surf

Apparently horses make strange sounds when swimming...mine did not however. Posted by Picasa

Horseback Riding

This kicked ass! Heather and I. Posted by Picasa

Spa day

My idea of a "spa day" is getting 40 tiny braids/beads in my hair and a henna tattoo! WOO! Posted by Picasa

And it says...

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Writing on the walls

We went to this restaurant down the street from our hotel. It had a live band that attracted us in. On every inch of the walls there were people that has signed their names, some as old as the 1970's! This was the only part of the ceiling left that I could physically reach without killing myself. Posted by Picasa

A quiet moment

This is probably the most relaxing I did in the 7 days we were there! Posted by Picasa

Jet Skiing

Heather rippin it up! Posted by Picasa

Suave'!

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My Turn!

This girl has been known to have 12 shots and not even buzz! Posted by Picasa

Fat Tuesdays

When a pole is measuring your sobriety you know it's time to go home. Posted by Picasa

This sucker is steep

Just for further affect of just how steep this dang thing is! Posted by Picasa

Climbing an Aztec Temple

If you want a work out, climb one of these things. Our guide told us that there are people that have races up and down these. It took me a good ten minutes to climb up and probably another 10 - 15 down! I think he said the fastest time was something crazy like 1 - 3 minutes! Posted by Picasa

Cancun2005 - photo manipulation

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Monday, August 22, 2005

changelings

Out of many that I know, I'm one of the fewer that accepts change more openly. I actually like how it breaks up montony. It puts juice back into my life. I find it fun, adventurous and curious. Alot of people I know find it terrifying. There is that edge to it, I agree.

It's a wonder of whether you'll make it or not to the next stage or the next change. Or if you'll like it even if you do make it. Or all your words scattered to the four winds of things you thought before in insensitivity to the situation. Regardless, we are all thrust into change and decision every single day. Whether we want it or not, we are constantly being put to the test. Put to the fire. Molding. Growing. Changing. It doesn't stop until life does. The more you try to control it in your mind, the more unhappy you become. So I embrace it... or at least try to.

Yesterday I had a wake up call. I had fun this summer. I went on a trip of a lifetime and am very well aware I may most likely never get that chance again. But I am going to pay severly for it. This year is a new year. More change then I've had in awhile.... but I've experienced so much already! I'm the queen of change! I'm adaptable. HIGHLY adaptable. I can deal with more than people think. I am smarter than people give me credit for. I find ways and solutions. It's the job description of a single mother/dead beat dad syndrome. You get it even if you don't want it. And everybody proclaims to understand STILL. But they don't, STILL. And it's not their problem anyway. I seem to constantly drone on and on about this but the truth is this feeling never goes away. The problem of trying to raise a child ALL by yourself is always a great burden to bear for any one person. Male or female. Especially in this day and age where prices are rising, jobs are lost or not keeping up with change. One income. I don't know whether to blame myself for over spending or if I should be righteous in wanting a life even though it turned its back on me. Even my own family tells me tough shit and to figure it out on my own (in not so many words). That might not be completely true but the underlying attitude is just baffling. I'm literally the black sheep of the family more than I've ever been.

I feel alone and very sad when I think of that.
I want to go where family values are reinforced in society. In America there is no room for single parents. Not even in the school systems do they think the way things are set up are a problem for single parents.

I just met a man that has an ex wife. He pays her way so she can go to school and so his kids are well taken care of. Not only that but he spends time with his kids and he's still there for her fixing things at the house to help her out. He wants the best for his kids. So I cry out to God, why do I keep getting this shit end of the stick? I mean truly I know that is not true but why? Why am I not good enough for anybody to want to help me like that? I can't even get a friend or family member over to my house to help me with anything! Everywhere around me single parents have at least the ex taking the child a little here and there and give the one a break! I don't get that. My family doesn't take her. The ex's family doesn't take her. What did I do? What's wrong with me? Am I a total fuck up and nobody wants anything to do with me?
I've been told I am insensitive, inconciderate, inconvenient, I expect too much ... I am things other than what people want me to be and I've lost help I need because of it. I'm just a wastoid to the people closest to me because I have a overwhelming responsibility. It's not HOW I got to where I am, it's not that I CHOSE for my ex to skip out and his family. Why WOULDN'T I hope for people to want to help me? I NEED IT! I HAVE VALID reasons for it! I have a KID! For christ's fucking sake why do people brush by that as though it meant nothing? Only until it means something...

How could I ever judge single parents again for things that we should not do?

What the hell have I been thinking? I am so worried for society but society doesn't do shit for me. And with a kid to raise how can I be worried about all that? Dog eat dog. I fight my hardest and it's just barely enough. Mentally it's not enough.

It's funny that I want understanding and everybody tells me they do but you know they really don't. And then when I don't necessarily want understanding I hear, oh but you have a kid!!!! Maybe I need love.

*SIGH*
Today's rating and weather is a high does of negativity.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Band-Aids

100% of the time I will not be what you expect. I'm weird, experienced, damaged, hopeful, caring, giving, full of joy as much as sorrow.

Today I'm hopeless and sad. Defeated. The ugly duckling. Unwanted.

And wondering how many more times I will listen to people tell me things they won't do that would hurt me, because words are the band-aids of actions that will come.

If nobody could talk, I wonder what would happen? Would the world go dark with selfishness? Or would we reunite with human compassion?

Giving could be such a little thing if people would stop looking at it in the wrong perspective!!!

Fucking A I get so depressed and dissapointed some days.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

chin up

I had a conversation with someone today. And they tried to offer hope into my "situation". I've been taking care lately to notice that whether anybody wants to admit it or like it or whatever, I am regardless a burden to people at times because of my situation.

I tried to give it hope. But when your ex husband turns his back on your situation, and the child, and his family follows suit. It's hard. And when your family can't even offer understanding and you know life would be really different "IF" this had never happened... "IF" I wasn't the burden that I am. Especially a burden with faults that do affect other people. Not even a glance at a possibility that flaw is unintentional no matter how many times it repeats itself.

Recently I've heard that even people I thought loved me very much do not want to hang around me because they've found other people that are more convenient to hang around. it's no offense to me however. don't take it personally even though you've known these people a very long time.

And relationship after relationship fails because of "MY" short comings.
And people keep telling me how I could do things better as though it's not good enough.
I never misunderstand anybody, I manipulate their words.
I never digest people's words wrong, I twist them to mean what I want.
There is no damn such thing as miscommunication anymore. It's just all my fault. And that's EXACTLY why there are thousands of books written on communication break down not only between men and women but between all types of people.

Judgement and Pedestals.

You say you understand. But you don't. Understanding did not create prejudice, resentment, bitterness, hatred, downing another person, picking out all their faults, sluffing them off to the side, ignoring their needs and only offering them what you "feel like" and then trying to pretend they don't appreciate you is NOT understanding. It's pathetic and selfish.

If you see a need you can fulfill then do it. If you can ask somebody "how can I help?" then be prepared to fill THEIR need not YOUR need.

Do you think if we walked into a starving country and wanted to give everybody there an iPod that they are really going to thank us? I mean sure they will appreciate it, but is it really helping the bigger issue of need? The one most important to them?

Be careful how you help people. Just because you're offering doesn't always mean it's help. And just because someone accepts it, does not mean you've thus fulfilled their needs. Sometimes people have more than just the needs you see or even choose to see.

contemplate please,..... WHAT is understanding?

If you can find a way to understand everyone in some form, then you have found yourself a little treasure. a piece of gold. you've grown up a little. but to deny someone the understanding we all deserve? is to torture them.

it does not mean you agree, it does not mean you go along with, or support or anything of the sort. it simply means you've ALLOWED yourself to see. try it, you'll be amazed at how your life will change.

If you CAN'T understand someone that is in your life....then you aren't trying hard enough. you haven't asked enough questions. you only cared enough to down them not cared enough to understand them. you've only taken the time to make them feel bad, not the time to see where "it" is. that "it" is lack of understanding usually.

I have another person in my life that has good days and bad days. On the bad days, the person is very harsh towards me and sometimes even picks fights and says nasty things to me. I know the person is going through a rough time in life so I try not to take it personally even though the attacks can be very personal. And somedays it's been so hard the things that were said to me I've cried all the way to my house. And even though I get very angry inside I know ultimately that this person just hurts very much inside. And because of that understanding I choose to have for them I can keep continuing to forgive them everyday that it happens.

Sadly God says to give away what you wish to have back. Sadly this does not happen in my life.
I think people are just programmed to tell me that they understand as they turn their back and walk away.

i did recently however have a person strangely make me feel understood to some degree. they did walk away, but at least i know they went away not mad at me or anything of the sort. my life is complicated, theirs was very simple compared to. it would've been easy for that person to not understand my actions.

I guess that gives me a little hope, even if lonely like.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Soy un perdedor

forces of evil on a bozo nightmare,
ban all the music with a phony gas chamber
cause one's got a weasel and others got a flag,
one's on the pole, shove the other in the bag,
with the rerun shows and cocaine nose job,
the daytime crap of the folk singers slop,
he hung himself with a guitar string,
a slab of turkey neck and it's hangin' from a pigeon wing,
I can't write if ya' can't relate,
trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate,
and my time is a piece of wax, fallen on a termite,
who's chokin' on the splinters

Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me
get crazy with the cheez-wiz,
Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me
drive, by, body pierce
yo bring it on down

Sunday, April 24, 2005

the deepest within me

i've never felt so small before. never felt like i so ultimately fucked up before. my timing, hope, and belief in life has brought me to an all time low. i feel like someone has died and i'm the only one that is feeling the pain. i'm so sad i don't even know how to deal. and i feel like that's not okay. i feel like i should hide. disappear. don't tell anybody. don't bring the troops down with your tears. everything is fine. i'll get over it. nobody understands.

what's sad is I don't even understand. i'm at a total loss now.

i've never even heard of my situation before. nothing to draw off of. nothing to compare. nothing to cope with. life never is fair.

the very attitude, struggle for survival, strength i have to make it and the hope to back it all up that I will come out shining no matter what happens seems to be the very thing that has sent me on a tail spin spiral to the bottom of the barrel.

somebody told me that maybe i act too strong and therefore nobody thinks i need them.

Good question.

Another person said I'm too demanding on the people i know. I want too much from my friendships.

all i've been confirmed in the past few months is this. nobody really understands me. nobody really CARES to understand me(did anybody ask?). and because of this, people's opinions on my life aren't even diplomatic. nor in this does anybody accept me for who i am. i mean really! who has time for that?!?!?

i was told someone would be friends with me if they could live up to my standards of friendship. i expect this person won't be around much because they failed to even see how much i tried to be their friend in the past four months by living up to their expectations or boundries as they liked to call it. people think because they want less they are less to deal with but that is quite untrue. it is just as hard to be friends with someone that doesn't want that much because you're still learning to do something that is not your way. and that requires effort. and a helluvalot of it to respect them.

i'm too demanding. if my child is proof of who i am then who the fuck am I? why is yours or anybody else's life and influences any less than hers? why don't you benefit from knowing me?

why am i not worth it?
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