Inbetweener Weiner

Subliminal Lies

2005-12-14T20:24:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of reading and discussing lately. I'm taking great strides in reviving my life that was once so filled with passion, desire, peace and laughter.
For years now I've been quietly telling myself that I was working towards being all that I could be and that eventually I'd achieve happiness. Afterall, society and the media tell me everyday who I am according to which products I buy, how much money I make and what kind of car I drive. Not to forget that bigger is always better because the more you have the better off you are(and we can see the blatant opposite affects from that with biggy fries and America's obesity problem!)..... and so I moved from one financial bracket to another. I sit in a good place financially right now, but you couldn't tell. I fell asleep after high school and believed alot of subliminal lies. Not only that, but I've also found myself (like all of us have) "keeping up with the Jones'"(i want the big house, the nice car, to look cute on the ski hill, the newest gadgets like iPods) and have had others look down on me for my financial position. It divides. Social classes. But we all say that money doesn't matter. We all say it's the idea that counts. Is it really that we are divided by hobbies and interests or is that we are divided by money, power and social class? Well each of has to make our own decision. But that's just it. Most of us are so stuck in our comfort bubbles that we will not even stop to contemplate our lives for one minute. Some of you have contemplated your situation, but stand frozen in fear rather than getting up and doing something about it. I say get up. I say contemplate. Question everything. Don't be a lemming to society and government! Do you know the truths about antibiotics? flouride? Flu shots? antibacterial soap? the meat you eat? Do you wonder? Ever wonder why things don't make sense?
Today I was walking to the break room to get a Coke. Did you know those can clean your toilet bowls? They can clean shit off your driveway? But it is the addiction I can't kick.... but I saw that my pocket contained exactly the right amount ($0.65) for a Coke. This thrills me since I've been having a bit of a rough time with my finances. I thought, "just enough."
Then I remembered being 16. If I received $2.00 from my mom I was ecstatic to be able to buy a pack of cigarettes. If I got $1 I could get a cup of coffee from Denny's and my night was spent with friends and writing poetry. If I got $3.00 I was on top of the fucking world because I could have "it all" with cigarettes, coffee for the night and spend it laughing with my friends. I had no responsibilities, I was easily entertained and laughing with friends was super important to me.
So why did I think the more I aquired the happier I would become? Materials do not really make me happy. They fill a void of temporary happiness. Not fulfillment.
My happiness is with people, my wonder lies in nature, or the stars or the ocean. But I'm so busy working to maintain my materials that I haven't time for the things I really want to do. We've all said that!
And so it is possible after all to aquire the days and feel of when I was 16. I simply have to learn where enough is enough. I have to learn that my job isn't the end all and that if I downsize my life, I could actually choose many different jobs. I won't be caged or boxed in by society anymore if I aquire less because I'll be able to afford that which is really important. Like switching to a more natural toothpaste will eliminate so many bad dentist visits. If I quit using antibacterial soap my body can build up a defense and I won't have to spend so much time at the dr's office aquiring antibiotics which are also not good for us.... and are also found in the meat you eat. Are you seeing a sick trend here? I recently read that the flu doesn't appear to transfer as much from one person to the next as much as it appears that many people get it all at the same time. Or ever notice how only one person gets sick in a household? Can you wonder enough to see what it's really about? Ignorance is not bliss anymore. Ignorance is folly. A blindfold for mass marketers! Because certainly they've done all the research you ever need to know. And that line about false advertisement is a load of bullshit. The truth is you probably have no idea what you're eating and by choosing that daily without even informing yourself is blatant bad investment. You've just purchased your house on a landslide.
It's your choice. You can spend less money on the cheap meat (or insert any product here) and more at the doctor for all the health hazards it causes, or start working on prevention in your diet, over all health, finances, and security.
Open your eyes and remember how good you felt (and free) at 16 or 12 or whatever age it was.... and know that you could still have that as an adult.
Start figuring out what you're responsible for... less is actually better. At least do yourself a favor and get informed....

In the plane

2005-10-18T21:58:00.000-06:00

ATV Time

2005-10-18T21:56:00.001-06:00

Best Friends

2005-10-18T21:56:00.000-06:00

SPI-SAY

2005-10-18T21:54:00.000-06:00

On the way to the water

2005-10-18T21:53:00.000-06:00

Misty Morning

2005-10-18T21:51:00.000-06:00

Medusa!

2005-10-18T21:49:00.000-06:00

I love this picture! LOL It looks like she's in front of a window on a cloudy day but actually she's laying on a pillow.

Waiting for a massage

2005-10-18T21:48:00.000-06:00

Extravagant Entrance

2005-10-18T21:47:00.000-06:00

This was walking in to our hotel

A little musical lunch

2005-10-18T21:46:00.000-06:00

The mariachis played Oyo Como Va for us! lol

Old ships sail no more

2005-10-18T21:45:00.000-06:00

The tree that grows on rocks

2005-10-18T21:43:00.001-06:00

Jungle trees

2005-10-18T21:43:00.000-06:00

Some of the ruins

2005-10-18T21:42:00.001-06:00

A million dollar home

2005-10-18T21:42:00.000-06:00

Out the balcony of our room

2005-10-18T21:41:00.000-06:00

The Plane

2005-10-18T21:38:00.000-06:00

Flying terrifies me, however I couldn't resist these clouds!

Snorkeling

2005-10-18T21:20:00.000-06:00

We snorkeled for an hour or two. It was so kick ass. I saw about 5 barracuda! WOO!

Becca got bit

2005-10-18T21:18:00.001-06:00

The monkey gnawing on her hand was fiesty! We got to hold these cute little guys for $5!

Monkeys Rule

2005-10-18T21:18:00.000-06:00

Becca

2005-10-18T21:17:00.000-06:00

Sittin, waitin, laughin

2005-10-18T21:16:00.000-06:00

Heather

Tree in the Ruins

2005-10-18T21:15:00.000-06:00

There were village ruins right across the street from the hotel. This tree is right on the stones... I thought it was cool.

Playin in the sea

2005-10-18T21:14:00.000-06:00

A moment in the sea

Club tour drunken fest

2005-10-18T21:11:00.000-06:00

By the end of the night, everything started to look like this! LOL

What club was this?

2005-10-18T21:10:00.000-06:00

Dawn took this picture... one of the clubs we were at in Cancun.

Group photo

2005-10-18T21:09:00.000-06:00

And there's "add Heather"

Part of the group

2005-10-18T21:07:00.000-06:00

Dawn, Santiago, (can't remember his name) and Peter the touchy kid.

Santiago

2005-10-18T21:04:00.000-06:00

This guy was my angel! He befriended me and kept many-a-men from me at the clubs, including his touchy 14 year old friend. We met these guys on the tour bus that took us on a club tour. He was from Mexico and he and his cousin Daniella were awesome!

Dubbing the Square

2005-10-18T21:03:00.000-06:00

This was where we were a lot since it was only a few minutes from our hotel.

Heather got all the men...

2005-10-18T21:01:00.000-06:00

I bet he was wishing he could be the bib! LOL

Fiesty

2005-10-18T20:59:00.000-06:00

Laughing My Ass Off

2005-10-18T20:57:00.000-06:00

Happy as Hell

2005-10-18T20:56:00.000-06:00

Beauties

2005-10-18T20:55:00.000-06:00

Dawn looks like she was made to be on that horse.

The moan in the surf

2005-10-18T20:54:00.000-06:00

Apparently horses make strange sounds when swimming...mine did not however.

Horseback Riding

2005-10-18T20:52:00.000-06:00

This kicked ass! Heather and I.

Spa day

2005-10-18T20:49:00.000-06:00

My idea of a "spa day" is getting 40 tiny braids/beads in my hair and a henna tattoo! WOO!

And it says...

2005-10-18T20:48:00.000-06:00

Writing on the walls

2005-10-18T20:44:00.000-06:00

We went to this restaurant down the street from our hotel. It had a live band that attracted us in. On every inch of the walls there were people that has signed their names, some as old as the 1970's! This was the only part of the ceiling left that I could physically reach without killing myself.

A quiet moment

2005-10-18T20:43:00.000-06:00

This is probably the most relaxing I did in the 7 days we were there!

Jet Skiing

2005-10-18T20:41:00.000-06:00

Heather rippin it up!

Suave'!

2005-10-18T20:33:00.000-06:00

My Turn!

2005-10-18T20:32:00.000-06:00

This girl has been known to have 12 shots and not even buzz!

Fat Tuesdays

2005-10-18T20:31:00.000-06:00

When a pole is measuring your sobriety you know it's time to go home.

This sucker is steep

2005-10-18T20:29:00.000-06:00

Just for further affect of just how steep this dang thing is!

Climbing an Aztec Temple

2005-10-18T20:26:00.000-06:00

If you want a work out, climb one of these things. Our guide told us that there are people that have races up and down these. It took me a good ten minutes to climb up and probably another 10 - 15 down! I think he said the fastest time was something crazy like 1 - 3 minutes!

Cancun2005 - photo manipulation

2005-10-18T19:39:00.000-06:00

changelings

2005-08-22T07:54:00.000-06:00

Out of many that I know, I'm one of the fewer that accepts change more openly. I actually like how it breaks up montony. It puts juice back into my life. I find it fun, adventurous and curious. Alot of people I know find it terrifying. There is that edge to it, I agree.

It's a wonder of whether you'll make it or not to the next stage or the next change. Or if you'll like it even if you do make it. Or all your words scattered to the four winds of things you thought before in insensitivity to the situation. Regardless, we are all thrust into change and decision every single day. Whether we want it or not, we are constantly being put to the test. Put to the fire. Molding. Growing. Changing. It doesn't stop until life does. The more you try to control it in your mind, the more unhappy you become. So I embrace it... or at least try to.

Yesterday I had a wake up call. I had fun this summer. I went on a trip of a lifetime and am very well aware I may most likely never get that chance again. But I am going to pay severly for it. This year is a new year. More change then I've had in awhile.... but I've experienced so much already! I'm the queen of change! I'm adaptable. HIGHLY adaptable. I can deal with more than people think. I am smarter than people give me credit for. I find ways and solutions. It's the job description of a single mother/dead beat dad syndrome. You get it even if you don't want it. And everybody proclaims to understand STILL. But they don't, STILL. And it's not their problem anyway. I seem to constantly drone on and on about this but the truth is this feeling never goes away. The problem of trying to raise a child ALL by yourself is always a great burden to bear for any one person. Male or female. Especially in this day and age where prices are rising, jobs are lost or not keeping up with change. One income. I don't know whether to blame myself for over spending or if I should be righteous in wanting a life even though it turned its back on me. Even my own family tells me tough shit and to figure it out on my own (in not so many words). That might not be completely true but the underlying attitude is just baffling. I'm literally the black sheep of the family more than I've ever been.

I feel alone and very sad when I think of that.
I want to go where family values are reinforced in society. In America there is no room for single parents. Not even in the school systems do they think the way things are set up are a problem for single parents.

I just met a man that has an ex wife. He pays her way so she can go to school and so his kids are well taken care of. Not only that but he spends time with his kids and he's still there for her fixing things at the house to help her out. He wants the best for his kids. So I cry out to God, why do I keep getting this shit end of the stick? I mean truly I know that is not true but why? Why am I not good enough for anybody to want to help me like that? I can't even get a friend or family member over to my house to help me with anything! Everywhere around me single parents have at least the ex taking the child a little here and there and give the one a break! I don't get that. My family doesn't take her. The ex's family doesn't take her. What did I do? What's wrong with me? Am I a total fuck up and nobody wants anything to do with me?
I've been told I am insensitive, inconciderate, inconvenient, I expect too much ... I am things other than what people want me to be and I've lost help I need because of it. I'm just a wastoid to the people closest to me because I have a overwhelming responsibility. It's not HOW I got to where I am, it's not that I CHOSE for my ex to skip out and his family. Why WOULDN'T I hope for people to want to help me? I NEED IT! I HAVE VALID reasons for it! I have a KID! For christ's fucking sake why do people brush by that as though it meant nothing? Only until it means something...

How could I ever judge single parents again for things that we should not do?

What the hell have I been thinking? I am so worried for society but society doesn't do shit for me. And with a kid to raise how can I be worried about all that? Dog eat dog. I fight my hardest and it's just barely enough. Mentally it's not enough.

It's funny that I want understanding and everybody tells me they do but you know they really don't. And then when I don't necessarily want understanding I hear, oh but you have a kid!!!! Maybe I need love.

*SIGH*
Today's rating and weather is a high does of negativity.

Band-Aids

2005-06-04T13:41:00.000-06:00

100% of the time I will not be what you expect. I'm weird, experienced, damaged, hopeful, caring, giving, full of joy as much as sorrow.

Today I'm hopeless and sad. Defeated. The ugly duckling. Unwanted.

And wondering how many more times I will listen to people tell me things they won't do that would hurt me, because words are the band-aids of actions that will come.

If nobody could talk, I wonder what would happen? Would the world go dark with selfishness? Or would we reunite with human compassion?

Giving could be such a little thing if people would stop looking at it in the wrong perspective!!!

Fucking A I get so depressed and dissapointed some days.

chin up

2005-05-01T19:31:00.000-06:00

I had a conversation with someone today. And they tried to offer hope into my "situation". I've been taking care lately to notice that whether anybody wants to admit it or like it or whatever, I am regardless a burden to people at times because of my situation.

I tried to give it hope. But when your ex husband turns his back on your situation, and the child, and his family follows suit. It's hard. And when your family can't even offer understanding and you know life would be really different "IF" this had never happened... "IF" I wasn't the burden that I am. Especially a burden with faults that do affect other people. Not even a glance at a possibility that flaw is unintentional no matter how many times it repeats itself.

Recently I've heard that even people I thought loved me very much do not want to hang around me because they've found other people that are more convenient to hang around. it's no offense to me however. don't take it personally even though you've known these people a very long time.

And relationship after relationship fails because of "MY" short comings.
And people keep telling me how I could do things better as though it's not good enough.
I never misunderstand anybody, I manipulate their words.
I never digest people's words wrong, I twist them to mean what I want.
There is no damn such thing as miscommunication anymore. It's just all my fault. And that's EXACTLY why there are thousands of books written on communication break down not only between men and women but between all types of people.

Judgement and Pedestals.

You say you understand. But you don't. Understanding did not create prejudice, resentment, bitterness, hatred, downing another person, picking out all their faults, sluffing them off to the side, ignoring their needs and only offering them what you "feel like" and then trying to pretend they don't appreciate you is NOT understanding. It's pathetic and selfish.

If you see a need you can fulfill then do it. If you can ask somebody "how can I help?" then be prepared to fill THEIR need not YOUR need.

Do you think if we walked into a starving country and wanted to give everybody there an iPod that they are really going to thank us? I mean sure they will appreciate it, but is it really helping the bigger issue of need? The one most important to them?

Be careful how you help people. Just because you're offering doesn't always mean it's help. And just because someone accepts it, does not mean you've thus fulfilled their needs. Sometimes people have more than just the needs you see or even choose to see.

contemplate please,..... WHAT is understanding?

If you can find a way to understand everyone in some form, then you have found yourself a little treasure. a piece of gold. you've grown up a little. but to deny someone the understanding we all deserve? is to torture them.

it does not mean you agree, it does not mean you go along with, or support or anything of the sort. it simply means you've ALLOWED yourself to see. try it, you'll be amazed at how your life will change.

If you CAN'T understand someone that is in your life....then you aren't trying hard enough. you haven't asked enough questions. you only cared enough to down them not cared enough to understand them. you've only taken the time to make them feel bad, not the time to see where "it" is. that "it" is lack of understanding usually.

I have another person in my life that has good days and bad days. On the bad days, the person is very harsh towards me and sometimes even picks fights and says nasty things to me. I know the person is going through a rough time in life so I try not to take it personally even though the attacks can be very personal. And somedays it's been so hard the things that were said to me I've cried all the way to my house. And even though I get very angry inside I know ultimately that this person just hurts very much inside. And because of that understanding I choose to have for them I can keep continuing to forgive them everyday that it happens.

Sadly God says to give away what you wish to have back. Sadly this does not happen in my life.
I think people are just programmed to tell me that they understand as they turn their back and walk away.

i did recently however have a person strangely make me feel understood to some degree. they did walk away, but at least i know they went away not mad at me or anything of the sort. my life is complicated, theirs was very simple compared to. it would've been easy for that person to not understand my actions.

I guess that gives me a little hope, even if lonely like.

Soy un perdedor

2005-04-25T21:21:00.000-06:00

forces of evil on a bozo nightmare,
ban all the music with a phony gas chamber
cause one's got a weasel and others got a flag,
one's on the pole, shove the other in the bag,
with the rerun shows and cocaine nose job,
the daytime crap of the folk singers slop,
he hung himself with a guitar string,
a slab of turkey neck and it's hangin' from a pigeon wing,
I can't write if ya' can't relate,
trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate,
and my time is a piece of wax, fallen on a termite,
who's chokin' on the splinters

Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me
get crazy with the cheez-wiz,
Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me
drive, by, body pierce
yo bring it on down

the deepest within me

2005-04-24T13:02:00.000-06:00

i've never felt so small before. never felt like i so ultimately fucked up before. my timing, hope, and belief in life has brought me to an all time low. i feel like someone has died and i'm the only one that is feeling the pain. i'm so sad i don't even know how to deal. and i feel like that's not okay. i feel like i should hide. disappear. don't tell anybody. don't bring the troops down with your tears. everything is fine. i'll get over it. nobody understands.

what's sad is I don't even understand. i'm at a total loss now.

i've never even heard of my situation before. nothing to draw off of. nothing to compare. nothing to cope with. life never is fair.

the very attitude, struggle for survival, strength i have to make it and the hope to back it all up that I will come out shining no matter what happens seems to be the very thing that has sent me on a tail spin spiral to the bottom of the barrel.

somebody told me that maybe i act too strong and therefore nobody thinks i need them.

Good question.

Another person said I'm too demanding on the people i know. I want too much from my friendships.

all i've been confirmed in the past few months is this. nobody really understands me. nobody really CARES to understand me(did anybody ask?). and because of this, people's opinions on my life aren't even diplomatic. nor in this does anybody accept me for who i am. i mean really! who has time for that?!?!?

i was told someone would be friends with me if they could live up to my standards of friendship. i expect this person won't be around much because they failed to even see how much i tried to be their friend in the past four months by living up to their expectations or boundries as they liked to call it. people think because they want less they are less to deal with but that is quite untrue. it is just as hard to be friends with someone that doesn't want that much because you're still learning to do something that is not your way. and that requires effort. and a helluvalot of it to respect them.

i'm too demanding. if my child is proof of who i am then who the fuck am I? why is yours or anybody else's life and influences any less than hers? why don't you benefit from knowing me?

why am i not worth it?

deliberate? or medicate?

2005-04-23T00:14:00.000-06:00

my 16 year old nephew didn't know what high top shoes were! times have changed...

we went to a bingo thingy at grade school. talk about self prescribed headaches! Bingo thingo thus dubbed...

Nelly Furtado is hot on my list. I can't get off her lately.... she's awesome! musical desert!

is there such a thing as a non serious musician? i wish i could find someone that is willing to play around with some ideas and teach me a few things in a relaxed sitchiation!

medicate, deliberate, sitchiate...perpetuate

what's at the bottom of a barrel of monkeys?

2005-04-22T23:41:00.000-06:00

i need to stop cussing so much.

that is about as complete as my thoughts get today. strange surreal semi-thoughts...

ever heard 3 Strange Days? by School of Fish?

I wish I could let out everything that is locked up in me right now.

I never thought I was that kind of person.

Have I ever known who I am? If we are always changing/growing/learning as life does before us can we know?

Would it scare you to wake up one day and think, who the fuck am I? It's like amnesia without the forgetting who you are part. More as wondering what the fuck you're doing... oops... minus one brownie point for the fuck word.... oops... i did it again...

*sigh*

I found out today for the first time since I quit smoking 55? 56? days ago that my daughter is so proud of me she is running around bragging to everybody. I'm beaming. I think that is the first or second really genuine comment I've heard about that. Heartfelt. The amazing thing is how many people were so heartfelt about me quitting, but when I did I haven't heard much on it since! Like a kudos or nuthin! I guess people just aren't happy if they don't have something to bitch about! God forbid the world start acting as it should be! *GASPS* whatever would we have to do THEN?!?! like damn we might actually be.... don't say it!!! Don't do it.... we might be ha- ha- happy?!?!?!

I've been working in the office too long...

I really could use a vacation.

Onto other complete thoughts I thought I wasn't having:

My mom did something so beautiful to me today I bawled my eyes out. There has been much odds in the family beings that I am a single mother with the whole dead beat dad thing going on. It's a lot to deal with no matter how you relate to me(I'm up to here and over flowing). My mom has helped the most with watching my daughter. And it is that she has lots of stress going on in her life. It has brought us to many odds. I've always felt helplessly burdening people around me. It's a really horrible thing to not know what else to do but be forced to accept help. And then to see it cause so much trouble. I've been carrying a huge weight on my shoulders with that for a very long time. Today my mom and I talked and she told me she was sorry for not having the correct perspective on it. She said she'd prayed and God showed her how everything was. It was not that I felt my mom owed that to me in any way shape or form. But to have her come to me and say that all on her own was not only answered prayer of mine, but also something I seldom get in my life. It was very special to me and I bawled like a baby about it. I haven't felt that much relief in a very long time. With my life, that moment was like gold.

It was golden.

I was also told today I am very giving. I've never heard anybody say that before! It's preposterous!

My good thought for myself today - I think I am an excellent singer. Not the best or anything like that, but I think I do real good. I could make a buck or two.... especially if I were naked!

Rule of Thumb

2005-04-19T22:14:00.000-06:00

I always felt that if someone was treating you in a particular way, then it was 50/50 chance that it could be something you did or just that person. If two people are treating you in a similar way then it would be enough cause to start assessing your actions as of late. Three or more and you're over the top and should definantly start making some changes, or at least looking for them.

This however was for when you're going about the world and getting negative response...

What if it is neither a negative or a positive? But nevertheless the lack of something.... say if people never believe in you....

and totally off track,... did you know even inconvenience these days is too much for the greatest of friends? The point of todays world? If somebody "better" comes along.... you're out the door. Welcome to the 21st Century.

Time tests all.... only love endures all.... I think I missed the boat(maybe like even a whole fleet of them)... lost at sea...and cussing like a sailor.

$9.99 Question of the day...

2005-04-19T22:11:00.000-06:00

Is there insight or wisdom in this?

What is the point in believing in people, if people never believe in you?

How does one show they believe in another?

That's three questions..... I guess it's the $3.33 questions of the day....

how many bags do you pack for a guilt trip?

2005-04-17T01:07:00.000-06:00

if someone said to you:

I don't know why you don't understand this because everybody else would've understood this by now....

How would you feel about that? What would you respond to that person?

knowing pains

2005-04-05T23:58:00.000-06:00

Why is it so hard to go to bed at night?

So hard to get up in the morning?

I'm a die hard night owl and suffereth greatly....

what reward?

2005-04-04T23:32:00.000-06:00

life is not predictable always... usually mostly when we think it will be. the loss of something always comes unexpectedly.... we travel the days like nothing ever changes...

today i went to burger king. the woman that took my order? total bitch. i tried....EVEN made effort to be nice.... normally i don't do this... today... i did. the outcome...she was still a total bitch to me. total attitude. whatever climbed up her ass...she was taking out on probably every customer to come through there. i wanted very badly to tell her i hoped her day got better cuz she was being SUCH a bitch... but i didn't. I thought... maybe her dog died. Maybe her significant other is a total ass and bitched her out. maybe her kid is flunking school. i don't know but for some reason i chose a perspective i should choose always... an that is the old Benefit of the Doubt. I mean do people REALLY enjoy being assholes?

Most likely... they are just hurt by some great pain that makes them act in a unhappy way, and you just get stuck in the crossfire. Nothing Personal.

what is it?

2005-04-04T22:45:00.000-06:00

human relationships.

anymore you have to have contact. the store. the gas station. you can't avoid it unless you live off the land.

levels vary. but the positive interaction is all that EVER matters! negative holds for life if you hold to negative, but it NEVER touches you like a smile, or a care or a compliment.

nothing replaces the "feel good" that humans give. it's like there is no heat on this earth that replaces the warmth of the sun.

smile at a stranger today and feel good that you might have cheered up somebody.

the slop of pig's play

2005-04-04T00:12:00.000-06:00

sometimes i think my life is just one big mess until i realize i need to refocus my perspective. is it possible for anybody to have a life so messed up they could just call it Murphy's and be done with it? there is always two sides right? is there? can we draw two sides? if you're raped could there be two sides? could you find the bright side of being raped? could you find the bright side of being a bum? is life what people make it?
is it worth letting life take you down? negativity is so strong? why do so many of us almost willingly play in negativitiy? the slop of pig's play?
why is the positive SO hard? why do we have to bust ass at that? even optimistic people i've seen struggle with being positive. but negative? easy as sunday morning.
take for instance,.. you're driving down the road and the classic asshole cuts you off. you rant and rave....easily. but then the next day you're driving down the road and as you switch lanes you can't even wave at the cool dude behind you that just let you in. why?
i've walked into places like starbucks for instance and just smiled at people as i'm passing by. they just look at me like i'm an alien. not easy. uneasy.
like being nice is SO not in these days.
being nice, or thinking of others, or sharing is like the ruffled baby blue suit from the 70's .... nobody seems to want to be caught dead in it...
however, if you're getting something out of it....everybody's squealin for some....

when i stop

2005-04-03T18:40:00.000-06:00

I guess I've decided that the day I stop playing is the day I am old. So I guess it is, play in as many areas of my life as possible, without being irresponsible....

I've been taking life way too seriously...

iFind it kind of funny, iFind it kind of sad

2005-04-02T00:29:00.000-07:00

TEARS FOR FEARS LYRICS

"Mad World"

All around me are familiar facesWorn out places, worn out faces

Bright and early for their daily races

Going nowhere, going nowhere

And their tears are filling up their glasses

No expression, no expression

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow

No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funnyI find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you'Cos I find it hard to take

When people run in circles

It's a very, veryMad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good

Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday

Made to feel the way that every child should

Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous

No one knew me, no one knew me

Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson

Look right through me, look right through me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's strange how I was going to write something very close along the lines above but at a more personal level and the lyrics of " i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad" popped into my head.

Erase it

2005-03-31T22:21:00.000-07:00

I think the closest we can come to "erasing" the past, is finding people willing enough to forgive you of who you've been but also somehow encourage you to be better than you were. They have a hope for who you'll eventually become, and remain forever by your side,...patiently.

Me, Myself and iPod

2005-03-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

I currently have the opportunity to buy something I've wanted for a very long time! Actually, it's that I've wanted SOME sort of device to expand my musical hunger! I used to want a PDA, however I've waited to buy that and am thinking now that a iPod would be just what I need. I want the iPod photo of course. The big daddy 60 giggers!! I got a coupon today for $30 and found out they are running a package that ends up saving me $115 on accessories, all free with this iPod. I can't really justify this purchase at all. I have no need for it, no special occasion, and definitely many other things I could need to have more.

Strange how logic holds so little weight when something becomes a desire huh?

Measly justifications are!
- a present to self for quitting cigarettes! (it's cheaper than smoking!)
- a helper whilst exercising! (it's healthy)
- it is multi-functional (that is, I can ride a bike with it, walk with it, ride a dirt bike with it, take it in the jeep, use it in the house, use it for parties, use it for work)
- it's interactive! I can start to obtain music from every Tom, Dick and Harry and also give them mine.
- I can present photos to music! I can be an entertainer wherever I go.
- MOOD Breaker, emotional therapy!, supports happiness in the most materialistic form!!!!!

Next book to purchase:
How to stop listening to that little devil on your shoulder, and other practical tips

Laugh dammit LAUGH

2005-03-19T11:52:00.000-07:00

This is hilarious.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/weeee.html

I Grewed Up Yet?

2005-03-18T23:43:00.000-07:00

Well. Were I then again I would say, when I grow up, I'm gonna be:

- singer/songwriter
- cartoon/computer graphics (Like Disney an shit)
- Dance club owner/youth program (quite the idea no shittin)
- publish a poetry book
- publish a book
- photographer of some sort
- some sort of computer graphics artist

Hay! I see you everyday! Do I know you?

2005-03-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

There is a particular woman on my team at work that I don't really interact with much. When I was first put in the billing group, I was off to the side with just a few of the many co-workers and didn't interact much with the rest of the team. I'm an introvert by nature and don't mind being off in the corner by myself. I've been on my team now for about three years I think. Through these three years the team went from about 30 people down to our now "magnificent" seven! Yikes! At any rate, about a year ago our team moved to the second floor and when that happened I got moved next to people! Two things have resulted from this. One - I've gotten to know my team mates better with and against my will(sometimes there are things you just don't need to know!). Two - I've learned to open up about my personal life a little more and not really care what people think of it. No kidding my old boss used to say "It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for!" and yah well that's me. Cuz anybody close to me will either call me a freak or say I'm a handful guaranteed. At any rate, I found it quite amazing and a little embarrassing amongst many other emotions that this woman I don't interact much with(but barely sits one cube away) tells me today that I'm much more interesting than she thought!! Mind you this woman NEVER says hi much and incidently is usually the trouble maker on the team if there is going to be trouble... why do "I" get called trouble? Anyway, so she says that I'm much more interesting than she thought. Funny I've noticed lately she says good morning now and good night. So is this a case of "Judgement by Cover" ? Do I look like I'm a nice little, innocent girl that never does ANYTHING wrong? One of those girls that never breaks any rules? Apparently so! I've been called trouble, sassy, fiesty, freak, a devil in an angels halo, the quiet one to watch out for, .... for this I can sit in my corner everyday and laugh. I'm not innocent! But for what wildness do they fix their imaginations to?

But I can also sit in my corner and quite innocently ask,......what did I do?

Creation Station

2005-03-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

Sex is a sensation caused by temptation when a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination to increase the population of the next generation,do u understand my explanation or you need a demonstration

My title however not my blog....catchy though isn't it?

my moments of despair....

2005-03-15T16:35:00.000-07:00

The scenery around me right then, was what my choices had given me. I'd sat on that park bench for quite sometime, and although the sun sinks and the moon rises, and the seasons slowly change, I hadn't changed. A lot of strangers had come to add wear to the boards beside me. Some couldn't understand it, and the pin prick of splinters sent them sorely away. Others didn't notice the splinters, but for whatever reasons they went away too. And still I was sitting in the same spot on the same park bench. However, about 400 days before, the trashman that usually helped me carry my burdens, upset the events in my life. He took me by the shoulders and shook me until my eyeballs rattled! "What did I do?" I asked, after I was able to regain my senses. And came forth a series of insults and belittlements, completely to my surprise! He started flinging apple cores, and popsicle sticks at me as though they were mine left upon the ground. I shook with fear, outrage and a grief I almost couldn't contain. "What did I do? What did I do?" I cried! More insults and belittlements from his mouth. He couldn't stop, his mouth going like a waterfall roaring out everything in his head and tears streaming from his eyes! I was the target of some certain anguish! I was the cause of this explosion! I left, running, tears, shaking, all inside of me.....shattered. The only safe zone I'd known in my life was suddenly ripped from me in a moment of time. I was the ugly monster that somehow had plotted it's destruction, and now I had nothing for a backbone. Nothing of where I came from. The park bench was gone. All the colors that shown on my face for days and seasons, were now the shade of someone's past. My past.
And it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Learned

2005-03-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

I have to say, I'm happy to report that in just a couple of days, how much I've learned about changing/creating a website!

I've learned to change font, change comment titles, change margins, post pictures, add links with appropriate names and even add a cute little FUCKED UP Pirate fetus!

I learned all this with a little help from Blogger and a lot o figgerin the shit out mice elf! I stole that but what can I say? I liked it. Mice elf. ANYWAY!

Pat on the back fer meeeeee! html is actually interesting i must say!

2005-03-05T15:21:00.000-07:00

Dark Elf

Blog Surfing....

2005-03-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

Found this as I was blog surfing...thought it was way cool:

love story
"UNLESS I AM SURE..."My husband is an engineer by profession. I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before has now transformed into the cause of my restlessness. I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, and I wanted a divorce."Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, ther e are no reasons for everything in the whole world!" I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought. My feeling of disappointment only increased. Here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him?And finally he asked me "What can I do to change your mind?" Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess I have started losing faith in him. Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered "Here is the question: 'If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind. Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?'" He said, "I will give you your answer tomorrow.". "My hope just sank by listening to his response.I woke up the next morni ng to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door that [reads]:My Dear,I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further"The first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading."When you use the computer you always mess up the software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers to that I can help to restore the programs."You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you."You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy."You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom."You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help clip your nails, and help remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand and tell you the color of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face. "Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do I could not pick that flower yet and die."My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting. And as I continue on reading:. "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door f or I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk."I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of breadNow I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone.*

FROM: Leahlyn A. Guloy, Beautiful Story (excerpt)

A Quote

2005-03-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

I couldn't help but yank this:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

This is something me and my best friend would say

2005-03-04T14:16:00.000-07:00

More action would be good!

2005-03-04T09:14:00.000-07:00

Beauty

Willingness

2005-03-04T07:56:00.000-07:00

This is copied off my other site:

Over the past many months I’ve done a lot of thinking over why certain relationships work and some don’t. What I’ve realized is a clusterfuck of information that deserves the fine-toothed comb of examination. And also, more people than I ever realized are in fact deliberating over the same things on a daily basis. However most people like to narrow it down to self only, which I believe is not enough to make a fair conclusion. That is to say that we as one person would never, ever in a lifetime change anything if it were only our “self” we interacted with. But in fact people of all sorts is what constantly rubs us good ways and bad, that make us realize our need for change, or reassure us that the way we are is efficient working in our life. I think in order to sort this chaos of cause and effect, and the only thing that makes it tangible is the common bond or common goal. In many discussions with friends and myself I have decided that the relationships that last years and years and years only have one major thing in common whether they are friends or lovers or family. And it all boils down to one simple word. Willingness. It is why people stay married for many years, it is the reason why people remain in love in the midst of adversity, it is the only thing that makes sense across the board of why it works. It’s where soul mates and soul sisters/brothers come from. Christopher Reeve’s wife stayed with him, because of willingness. People date long distance and hold sound relationships because of willingness. It all boils down nicely and seems really easy, but is it? Is it that simple? I think that is a decision each person has to make about another person. I’ll take an old roommate I had for example. I was raised to keep the Q-Tip lid CLOSED! That is so the cotton would not pick up dust and dirt or any other foreigners making it un-sterile. When I lived with my roommate, he preferred to leave the lid open. This used to drive me mad on a daily basis. But instead of saying anything to him, I decided to just be mad to myself. And then eventually took that one step further. I decided one day that I was going to mentally change my mind about how I felt about those stupid Q-tips getting dust on them rather than be mad at a person in my life that was actually pretty cool. It took me some time and a lot of muttering under my breath to myself but it finally worked and yes it was “hard” work. And the funny thing is, it not only benefited my roommate (he didn’t have to hear me gripe his shit) but it also benefited me as a person to get over something so petty and it benefited the relationship because it was one more reason we were at peace with each other. The strange thing is, you’ve heard of best friends breaking up over this very petty kind of shit! So does this type of willingness apply to all relationships? There was no requirement whatsoever from my roommate to change or do something otherwise differently in his daily routine. Is it real love when you can accept someone for who they are and not for what might change? Or better yet, adapt yourself to make the situation better? My mom always referred to this as “being the bigger person”. I find that in some cases humans are not very adaptable, and many downright hate change or fear it. This often causes people to sit idle in misery since life is ever changing. I think in my example alone of willingness, some bandwagons would look at that and say “Those are your Q Tips and he should respect YOUR wants and needs”. But I say not in a life that is about more than just myself. The more I allow myself to rub against those who think differently than I do, the more I learn that there is more than one perspective on how to be in this life and that ultimately it does not revolve around me the happier I get. In fact the more I revolve it around others, the more I learn to be a better person, or maybe a healthy person, or well rounded.I’ve thought a lot lately about that saying of how people (or even situations) are like sand paper constantly smoothing out your rough edges. But you have to be willing to let them. It’s a constant and daily decision to be willing. I don’t think so much that it’s conforming to someone else, rather than taking the time to look at a situation and realize that the options of dealing with it are endless. We’re never going to find a person in this world that we won’t eventually fight with. It’s inevitable as human beings. In fact I would question how real or close the relationship is if two people didn’t fight. What about that person you do fight with because you know they’re right? Or because they make you grow or think about important things? Or because they love and care about you? At least you can say that if someone does put up with fighting, they care enough to work hard with you. I just watched “The Notebook” the other day and at one point in the movie Allie says to Noah,“All we ever do is fight.” And Noah without missing a beat says, “That’s just what we do Allie! We fight! You tell me what a son of a bitch I am, and I tell you what a pain in the ass you are and I don’t worry about hurting your feelings because in two seconds, I know you’ll be over it and onto the next pain in the ass thing!” I fell in love with that scene because it’s so true. Two people that are THAT comfortable with each other, doesn’t make life easier. It just shows they are willing to make it work. They aren’t going to throw a good thing away because it is hard work, but rather they see the priceless value of what it brings them. They remain willing to each other, not just themselves. This has also become the sum of the relationship with my best friend Dawn. 24 years of “one day at a time” and “I’ll never give up on you no matter what”.

The Introduction

2005-03-03T23:40:00.000-07:00

This is my first official blog. I call it official because it's on a real(er) website than the prior which I am not going to mention at this time. At any rate, to say nothing significant is going on in my life right now would kinda make this whole thing pointless me thinks. I'm a bit in the middle right now with this whole blogging thing, which could bring some sense to the whole Inbetweener Weiner name.... I find myself there often. Is it that I am female? Or Libra? Or God help us all BOTH?!? I am excited to start an "on line" journal because I've read many and it is interesting in the same way channel surfing is. It's a great pass time when you don't know what to do with yourself so you go read about someone else's life for awhile. But then I am thinking, why do I want to display my whole life on here for everybody to know and see? But then I think who the fuck cares, becauses it's not like I know any of you. Alrighty then.... apparently we can see which direction this is going. HA HA.
Today is my 7th day of being sickly sick and also my 7th day of not smoking. Technically speaking.
And to note, I don't know a damn thing of how to set these up but I think I'm doin alright!